Kynaston Jordan?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I was looking through my quote lists and I found this:

Oh! Ill-fated Bridge of the Sil’vry Tay,
I must now conclude my lay
By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
That your central girders would not have given way,
At least many sensible men do say,
Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
At least many sensible men confesses,
For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed.

This is the conclusion to William McGonagall's poem The Tay Bridge Disaster, which is so beyond God-awful that I can't even begin to describe it. Basically, McGonagall is the Jim Theis of poetry. As he worked during the 19th century, I knew I had to parody him in Londinium, so I created the character of Kynaston Jordan, a horrible poet whose published works are a favorite source of humor for Basil and his friends at Eton during their childhoods. I somehow ended up finding the one piece of Jordan's poetry that I actually wrote, which is a terrible little work entitled Oh Grassy Knoll:

Oh, grassy knoll so green and fair,

You are undisputably there,

I can see you with my blue eyes

And will be able to see you there until I dies

The hills in the Cotswolds are very fair

Just like my own hair,

But fairer because they are green

If my golden hair was thus it would be so very obscene

I like to climb them and then roll down

It makes all the townspeople stare and frown (and want to drown)

Then my clothes are stained with grass

Into a church I cannot pass

I look very disheveled

Like a rebel

That really did not rhyme, did it?

Perhaps this poem I ought to quit.

Writing.

I really do not know what to think of myself for writing that. At least it's intentionally bad. Anyhow, Kynaston Jordan's work serves as something for Basil and his friends to bond over as children and shapes them as young satirists as they grow older. Well, that and they just love making fun of it. And really, how can you blame them?